"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden,
and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD,
the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired."
Isaiah 40:28
I'm liking the contrast in these verses......the weary and tired are asked to "come unto Me" for rest, to Him who does not become weary or tired.
I'm pretty weary and tired. I need rest. And it is in Him. I'm trying to find my way there.
One of the things I'm pondering is what I feel is a dichotomy in how I look at, pray about, and emotionally handle my infirmity. On one hand, Scripture commands that we pray for healing in a number of ways, doing spiritual battle over the sick and infirm, calling for the elders, etc. On the other, He says, "My grace is sufficient." How am I to know in which situation I am? Do I keep fighting, or do I, in my weariness, accept that this could be my life now, and quit fighting? I'm tired. I desire rest and peace.
There are many things that contribute to my questioning.
First, I don't want to be sick. I want to be well, able to do the simple things that constitute my days. I'd like to be able to take my grandkids to the park and really play. Or take hikes and play frisbee with my kids. So on that level, I want to fight to be well.
But, second, I don't want to be found fighting against my God, if this is in His plan for conforming me to the image of His Son. I don't want to be standing in His way as He perfects me.
Third, if I am to keep fighting, how do I go about that? There are multiple facets to that:
1. The financial angle. We have run through thousands of dollars trying to find causes and treat them. We have been successful on some levels, most notably identifying the mold problem (multiple chemical sensitivity) and getting out of that environment. And also in determining that many of my issues lie in endocrine insufficiency. However, in order to keep up doctor visits and treatment, we have to cover those costs outside of insurance. It's overwhelming.
2. Do we keep looking for other causes via testing through traditional medicine that are covered by insurance, or do we continue to wait it out? My symptoms are many and varied. On top of that, they come and go, they morph, new ones continually crop up, and there often seems to be no rhyme or reason to them. I try new supplements and treatments and often they help. Other times they cause more difficulties. Are the difficulties part of healing? For weeks, my stomach can be going along fine, and then I am beset with nausea again accompanied by the old "I'm being poisoned" feeling, and I'm back to trying to find a cause. What did I eat? What did I do differently today? Yesterday? Same kind of thing with my back. Most recently, I am having multiple joint pain, especially in my knee, that makes it hard to do a lot of very simple things. Where is that coming from? Is it part of detox and something I need to wait out? How do we find out?
Fourth, I'm just tired. Tired of trying to figure things out. Tired from the drain on my body. Tired of fighting.
I want to be handling this season of my life in the Lord. What does He want of me? How would He have me respond? What is His purpose? And there are days and days when I just don't have a clue.
I so appreciate your prayers for me. For us. We are greatly blessed.
How you can pray for us:
~ Eyes to see and ears to hear His plan and voice.
~ A heart to understand His purposes and what He wants of me.
~ A way forward if He wants us to continue to pursue medical evaluation and treatment in any vein, traditional and/or natural.
